I can’t let you hurt me anymore. You are in my head. You are in my dreams. My lost thoughts are of you. But it all leaves me empty. I have to remind myself that you make me empty. I have somehow lost that part of me that has the power to flick you off with the twitch of my finger.
I can spot you a mile away. My breath disappears. My heart thumps in my ears. Those golden butterflies flutter in my belly. I see nothing else and I hear nothing else. Those are my vulnerable parts I have for you. They are the sacred things I never share.
You invest nothing of yourself in me. I invest the stars in you.
I stand here blindly. It will take the strengh of a 1000 men to lift my lashes and open my eyes. To no longer be blind. To no longer be empty.
Its the kind of day where no matter how many mantras you chant about how you are going to have a bitchin good day, it just doesn’t work. It is the kind of day where I do take the time to break from the monotonous cycle to remember there are bright moments in a shitty day. It feels like I am in a tug of war between a happy sunny mood and shitty ass mood and I am the rope.
But I will say this when I did my latest cleanse (no not bodily) I get a sense that I have made a huge step forward to finding the next chapter. No more strings holding me down, no more obligations to please, no stopping me now.
I was off for a few days from work because I was not feeling well. After day four of being away from my job I felt well enough to return to work. As soon as that thought came into my head that I was going to return to work, I battled anxiety. WTF. Why am I so anxious? I had a hard time falling asleep and when I did fall asleep I would wake up from time to time. Of course without fail, I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm clock rang. My mind raced with thoughts, “Should I just get up out of bed or push the snooze button seven times??” Back and forth I debated that issue with myself and in the end pushed the snooze button once and unwillingly crawled out of bed. The anxiety did not stop when I woke up either. When I arrived at worked I got out of my car, unlocked the building doors, walked down the darkened hallway to my desk, fell into my chair, took a deep breath and let all my fears go.
What is it about that first day back? After being away for a short period of time or a long period of time; why is there that sense of anxiousness? Am I confusing anxiousness with excitement? Maybe I am excited to return to work, to be back in the relm with my co-workers? Where does this all come from? Where did I learn this? I guess those questions are relatively unimportant other than I have to learn how to change how I feel about going back to places I have been abscent from after a length of time. Maybe it is just me feeling this.
Many of us do not like change. We tend to like to avoid it at all cost. A distruption in our lives causes some anxiety and fear.
But then there are times we feel we are stuck in this huge mud rut. We want out and want change. We desire our enviroments to be stress free. I believe some of us, lack the abilities and tools to deal with being stuck in a rut. We expect change to be instant and not have to wait and deal with this gross feeling of tension.
I believed I would experience change that would occur quickly and bring me the satisfaction I’ve long desired. I learned today that I have to wait and wade around in the mud a bit longer before I might expect change in my life. I have gone through so many mixed emotions in such a short period of time. I do not want to be content with where I am at and yet I have to discover a way to endure and be appreciative of the muck I am in.