I am by no means an expert on relationships or basic human needs. But for me it seems that it is simple logic for a human being to feel and love another human being. Isn’t that basic human nature?
I am overlooking two people who are legally married to one another and together they have one child. The history of these two people is that they both grew up in loveless and/or parentless homes. It makes me wonder if their scars is what attracted them to each other. Neither of them express love to one another; they simple co-exist; as an obsever would assume.
The child of these two people now bares the scars of their parents. The child has grown up in a home with no expressed love or affection. The nuturing of this child is lost on either parent.
This is what baffles me. How do human beings survive without the love of the parents? Is it the longing for love keep them all in existence? How does the child find love for themself? How does the child go from believing they are unloveable to worth loving?
Artist : Benjamin Chee Chee
I do not normally write another post so quickly. But I felt compelled to release my thoughts on recovery from panic.
Panic attacks take a lot of energy from me to the point that I have a rest. I rested after this morning’s ordeal and decided to make the drive through the rolling green countryside to my parents house. As soon as I saw their faces I felt instantly connected. Connected to their peace and quiet. They were heading out to a community dinner; I declined the offer to attend but chauffered them to their destination. I dropped them off and decided to take their two dogs to a local quiet lake location. I arrived at the small lake to find no one there. I rolled up my pant legs gave thanks for this beautiful location, clean water, and lush habitat. I strolled into the icy clear water up to my knees, bent over and splashed to cold lake water on my face several times. This is where my peace is at. This is where I am at.
I am going to give this a whirl. I am having a panic attack right now. I am experiencing a tremendous amount of fear. I am remembering to breathe, in and out, in and out; controlled. I feel like the whole world can hear me breathing. I am panicked. I want to run out of my house and find safety. I am trying to tell myself that I am safe in my house and that I will be okay. Of course my bladder and bowel are now in overdrive and i want them to know I dont have the time to sit and let them relieve themselves. Does bladder and bowel not realize I need to find safety?! I give in; breathing in and out; letting my body give some relief. I am on my couch; play solitare! I cant even think to what moves to make to win a game. I feel like the panic is subsiding. I take that moment and take an even bigger breath. Wow it will end. I get cozy under the blanket thinking I should relax. Oh no. My legs and arms feel like they are getting electric shocks. Its coming again. Breathe. Nope this one is going to be a dozey. And like that I am in a total state of fear; I am not safe. I must get out of my house. I am standing on my doorstep and the wind is strong. Ground myself, feel the wind, feel how cool it is on my face. I tell myself I am okay and I know how to keep myself safe. I do. I am a smart person, I know I can keep myself safe. I go back inside. I keep up my breathing; in and out. I am sitting on the couch again and as soon as I sit I am in a state of fear once more. That’s it I am leaving my house! I am going to go where I am safe. I am going to drive myself to my parents house. My safety and security is there with them. I get in my car; controlled breathing. I am sure the other drivers can hear my breathing. I play a grounding game with myself; name five red things, name five blue things and on and on with different colours. Its helping. I am okay. It hits me again, I will not make the 30 minute drive to my parents; I am feeling fear again. That’s it am going to the hospital. I have no traffic, the drive is effortless. I park in the hospital parking lot; I know there isn’t much they can do for me here. But I feel better knowing there is safety in here for me. I challenge myself to stay in the car. Nope my bladder and bowels need relief again. I as I am walking into the hospital I feel a small amount of fear and a lot of shame. My bladder and bowels thank me. I go back to my car and I am having what I call small waves of fear rolling in and out of me. I do the “call of shame.” I dial my mom. She answers and all I can do is take a deep breath and she immediately knows its me and I am having a panic attack. She instantly says “you are going to be okay..” I in turn start crying. She knows what she has to do is to distract me and she does, I answer her robotically and eventually in 15 minutes of distraction I can hold a bland conversation with her. It feels like we have made it through the rough part but then her mini yorkie and seven month old husky pup are barking like the house is under seige and they must alert the world. My mom apologizes for the dogs and curses them for breaking my calm breakthrough. My bladder and bowel need relief. I tell my mom I have to go in the hosiptal and use the washroom and I will call her back. After returning from the washroom and opening my car door to once again seek refuge behind my tinted car windows; I see a shiny unopened can of club soda. The can is so cold from the overnight temperatures. This is probably one of the best things of my day. Why? Because my panic attack gives me dry mouth; I call it desert mouth because it’s so unaturally dry. I call my mom back so she can feel relief that I am still okay. I tell her I am feeling like “its” passing and I will call her in an hour. She knows this does mean I will be okay. I am still sitting in my car at the hospital, i feel okay, i feel secure, i feel safe. I think my panic attack is over. Time check – 2.25 hrs of panic. My breathing is relaxed and I feel so good drinking the cold club soda.
Why did this panic attack happen? A series of events led up to this. About four days ago I was talking with a friend on the street when my ex boyfriend who was a passenger in a vehicle happen to slow down near me. He and I spotted each other and he looked at me and laughed. My ex was emotionally and physically violent with me when we were dating. I had some great friends save my life and hid me for a few months until I could relocate to another town. It took years and years of therapy to have me in a much better place.
So his laughing at me played on my mind a lot. I was angry. I had a variety of emotions. I still need to talk them out with someone.
Last night I wanted to watch the season finale of, “Bloodline.” But I could hardly get through most of it. Lots of violent innuendo and fear based storylines. It was making me feel unsafe. I turned it off and realized its just not the right time for me to see this show end.
After I turned Bloodline off, I turned on the Sex and The City movie for some easy storylines. I was feeling a bit more relaxed. Then it happened. I swore I heard a gun shot. And then it happened again and again. I realized the USA was celebrating Memorial Day with some fireworks. Lots of time would pass between each round of fireworks or firecrackers. But I recognized my body was getting scared because sometimes those sounds reminded me of someone knocking on my door. For instance when my ex would knock on my bedroom window at 3 am because he wanted to make sure I was alone or he needed to pass out; either of which came with violent expletives.
So there I have it. An accumulation of events over days triggering me into a state of fear.
I feel like I can drive back to my home now because it is safe. And I really am okay.
My living room looks just as cozy as this one. My absolute heaven when I need self care.
It was very recent that I experienced a re-birth, so to speak. It took a lot of down time to crawl through and sort. There was a ton of pain and sorrow. Anyone looking in at me would have seen a mess and maybe a disaster. At some point I could not see what was trying to emerge. For a moment I believed it was all sadness with no cure. It was a time to learn a new patience and humility. As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in remembrance of where I was and how the strength given to me helped me move forward.
There was no defined moment, no written scripture, and no shining light lifting my eyes to a new start. It was just a slow and soothing movement within myself. I found myself standing steady, readying myself for independence when, I assume, the universe gave me the door to open to my new journey. I opened the door, and the light was blinding but the feeling gave me nothing but sheer sparkle inside. The feeling was amazing, it reminded me that life and new adventures exist.
Here I am, 2 days later. Sitting here with the feelings of old sorrow tempting me to retreat to where dark comfort would be just as soothing. I am pushing through looking for the sparkle that was instilled inside me. It is now that I realize that I am the one that has to make the vow to myself. The vow to look for the “up.” It is me that has been given the sparkle and it is up to me to share it and keep it moving forward. I am sure there will be times when my old friend of sorrow will come around but all it really means is preparation of a shedding of the old readying me for the new.
I’ve had bad dreams since I was a kid, I even labelled some nightmares. I’ve dreamt of bears chasing me, my teeth falling out, not having the ability to scream when it was needed most.
Last night was a first for me. I had a bad nightmare. It still haunts me 12+ hrs later. It was the kind of nightmare that triggered a panic attack. I was very scared to fall back asleep hours later. I am physically drained and weak. My nightmare included my loved ones and I think that’s what upset me the most.
I’ve googled everything I can on nightmares and noctornal panic attacks. Its provided minimal relief. My mom, her advice is to rest and let myself heal and know it wasnt real. I love my mom; she is better than any googled answer.
I am still crying over this nightmare. It scared the life right out of me. I know that very soon I have to distract myself and stop giving it power. This cannot “own” me.
The term “cosmic kitchen” is a term my friend coined and I am now borrowing.
My cosmic kitchen is run by a Gordon Ramsey type chef. The orders he receives are cooked in magical form.
My friend and I are single and will text each other when our hormones kick in high gear reminding us that nature wants us to find a mate. We have an open forum any emotion is welcome when we have the notion a boyfriend is needed.
This is friend and I were recently communicating via text that “siiiigh i wish i had a boyfriend.” I conveyed to her that I believe that the universe will send someone when the time is right and I should practice patience. This is where we thought about our cosmic kitchen.
I’ve sent my order in to my Gordon Ramsey type chef detailing the ins and outs of what makes me, me! He believes that his creation needs times and to be carefully crafted. In essence I’ve been told to enjoy myself at the kitchen table, taste a few complementary hot from the oven honey buns, and be happy where I am at.
What does your cosmic kitchen look like?
I can’t let you hurt me anymore. You are in my head. You are in my dreams. My lost thoughts are of you. But it all leaves me empty. I have to remind myself that you make me empty. I have somehow lost that part of me that has the power to flick you off with the twitch of my finger.
I can spot you a mile away. My breath disappears. My heart thumps in my ears. Those golden butterflies flutter in my belly. I see nothing else and I hear nothing else. Those are my vulnerable parts I have for you. They are the sacred things I never share.
You invest nothing of yourself in me. I invest the stars in you.
I stand here blindly. It will take the strengh of a 1000 men to lift my lashes and open my eyes. To no longer be blind. To no longer be empty.
Its the kind of day where no matter how many mantras you chant about how you are going to have a bitchin good day, it just doesn’t work. It is the kind of day where I do take the time to break from the monotonous cycle to remember there are bright moments in a shitty day. It feels like I am in a tug of war between a happy sunny mood and shitty ass mood and I am the rope.
But I will say this when I did my latest cleanse (no not bodily) I get a sense that I have made a huge step forward to finding the next chapter. No more strings holding me down, no more obligations to please, no stopping me now.
I was off for a few days from work because I was not feeling well. After day four of being away from my job I felt well enough to return to work. As soon as that thought came into my head that I was going to return to work, I battled anxiety. WTF. Why am I so anxious? I had a hard time falling asleep and when I did fall asleep I would wake up from time to time. Of course without fail, I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm clock rang. My mind raced with thoughts, “Should I just get up out of bed or push the snooze button seven times??” Back and forth I debated that issue with myself and in the end pushed the snooze button once and unwillingly crawled out of bed. The anxiety did not stop when I woke up either. When I arrived at worked I got out of my car, unlocked the building doors, walked down the darkened hallway to my desk, fell into my chair, took a deep breath and let all my fears go.
What is it about that first day back? After being away for a short period of time or a long period of time; why is there that sense of anxiousness? Am I confusing anxiousness with excitement? Maybe I am excited to return to work, to be back in the relm with my co-workers? Where does this all come from? Where did I learn this? I guess those questions are relatively unimportant other than I have to learn how to change how I feel about going back to places I have been abscent from after a length of time. Maybe it is just me feeling this.
Many of us do not like change. We tend to like to avoid it at all cost. A distruption in our lives causes some anxiety and fear.
But then there are times we feel we are stuck in this huge mud rut. We want out and want change. We desire our enviroments to be stress free. I believe some of us, lack the abilities and tools to deal with being stuck in a rut. We expect change to be instant and not have to wait and deal with this gross feeling of tension.
I believed I would experience change that would occur quickly and bring me the satisfaction I’ve long desired. I learned today that I have to wait and wade around in the mud a bit longer before I might expect change in my life. I have gone through so many mixed emotions in such a short period of time. I do not want to be content with where I am at and yet I have to discover a way to endure and be appreciative of the muck I am in.