Traveling with Anxiety

Hi. I haven’t been around in awhile. I was feeling so awesome for so long. When I was feeling good I let go of most of my self care and just did nothing.

I had invested so much in myself not that long ago. I was exercising, eating right, resting when it was necessary, and making me a priority. Stress at my old job had me tossing out myself as a priority and just stopped investing in me. And that all lead up to a tumble into anxiety, panic, and depression.

So getting back on the “me train” has been baby steps forward. Then I was feeling good so I stopped with the baby steps. When I did that I tripped and fell into anxiety and panic. It took me by such surprise that I could not believe it.

Fast Forward.

I am trying to regain myself and my self confidence. Its been a struggle. I want to hide under a rock and hopefully a magical cure will land at my feet. But I know that will not happen.

I am on a work trip. Its 3 days. One day travel, one day meeting, and one day travel. So not too bad. I am about a four hour drive from home.

But I feel like hell. My anxiety is sky high. My IBS is reminding me chill out.

I know I can do this. I have done it before for a lot longer. I have the tools I need to get through this. I have great co-workers in the same hotel as me so I am not alone. Its just getting through it. There is no reason to feel scared. I got this. I don’t have to do a presentation. I don’t have to do much other than sit and smile. And heck, I could leave early with a “migraine.” And thats it. It will be time to go home. Once I get home this will be a fantastic accomplishment for me.

I have been having panic attacks since I was a wee child. So I am an expert at this and know I can get through it all.

This is my time to show my employer that I am committed to this organization. I will learn from the meeting and take away from it to give to others. If that makes sense at all; it does to me.

But what is it that is so awful? I did not have to do any driving. Woot woot. I am not alone. I know darn well I could call on any one of my coworkers to sit with me. I think my biggest fear is I will panic. That is like the ultimate fear. But there is absolutely nothing to panic about. It is like the ultimate vulnerability.

The Return

I was off for a few days from work because I was not feeling well.   After day four of being away from my job I felt well enough to return to work.   As soon as that thought came into my head that I was going to return to work, I battled anxiety.   WTF.  Why am I so anxious? I had a hard time falling asleep and when I did fall asleep I would wake up from time to time.  Of course without fail, I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm clock rang.  My mind raced with thoughts, “Should I just get up out of bed or push the snooze button seven times??” Back and forth I debated that issue with myself and in the end pushed the snooze button once and unwillingly crawled out of bed.  The anxiety did not stop when I woke up either.   When I arrived at worked I got out of my car, unlocked the building doors, walked down the darkened hallway to my desk, fell into my chair, took a deep breath and let all my fears go.  

What is it about that first day back? After being away for a short period of time or a long period of time; why is there that sense of anxiousness?  Am I confusing anxiousness with excitement?  Maybe I am excited to return to work, to be back in the relm with my co-workers?   Where does this all come from?  Where did I learn this?   I guess those questions are relatively unimportant other than I have to learn how to change how I feel about going back to places I have been abscent from after a length of time.  Maybe it is just me feeling this.