I am in my spot where I find the most comfort when I need it. Its here I feel I can hide if I need too, feel safe if I need it, and know it won’t betray me. I am not a person who has ever liked wearing a housecoat. I tried many times but it was just never for me; until now. I found a slice of heaven.
I have had a very trying day. It was the kind of day where you come home and you are quiet and too wiped out to talk about it. To make matters worse I could not even cook myself a hot meal and that sent me into a sour mood. I snacked on a pepperoni stick and cheese. Then I crashed for three hours and I woke up feeling a world of doom.
I let myself weep and my thoughts were that I was crashing again. I had to understand that I was not crashing but my body and soul were telling me that they needed some TLC. It was a reminder that I forgot to take care of myself today.
That is my goal that I am focusing on right now. Taking care of myself. If I do not do it, who will?
Hi. I haven’t been around in awhile. I was feeling so awesome for so long. When I was feeling good I let go of most of my self care and just did nothing.
I had invested so much in myself not that long ago. I was exercising, eating right, resting when it was necessary, and making me a priority. Stress at my old job had me tossing out myself as a priority and just stopped investing in me. And that all lead up to a tumble into anxiety, panic, and depression.
So getting back on the “me train” has been baby steps forward. Then I was feeling good so I stopped with the baby steps. When I did that I tripped and fell into anxiety and panic. It took me by such surprise that I could not believe it.
I am trying to regain myself and my confidence. Its been a struggle. I want to hide under a rock and hopefully a magical cure will land at my feet. But I know that will not happen.
I am on a work trip. Its 3 days. One day travel, one day meeting, and one day travel. So not too bad. I am about a four hour drive from home.
But I feel like hell. My anxiety is sky high. My IBS is reminding me chill out.
I know I can do this. I have done it before for a lot longer. I have the tools I need to get through this. I have great co-workers in the same hotel as me so I am not alone. Its just getting through it. There is no reason to feel scared. I got this. I don’t have to do a presentation. I don’t have to do much other than sit and smile. And heck, I could leave early with a “migraine.” And thats it. It will be time to go home. Once I get home this will be a fantastic accomplishment for me.
I have been having panic attacks since I was a wee child. So I am an expert at this and know I can get through it all.
This is my time to show my employer that I am committed to this organization. I will learn from the meeting and take away from it to give to others. If that makes sense at all; it does to me.
But what is it that is so awful? I did not have to do any driving. Woot woot. I am not alone. I know darn well I could call on any one of my coworkers to sit with me. I think my biggest fear is I will panic. That is like the ultimate fear. But there is absolutely nothing to panic about. It is like the ultimate vulnerability.
I was off for a few days from work because I was not feeling well. After day four of being away from my job I felt well enough to return to work. As soon as that thought came into my head that I was going to return to work, I battled anxiety. WTF. Why am I so anxious? I had a hard time falling asleep and when I did fall asleep I would wake up from time to time. Of course without fail, I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm clock rang. My mind raced with thoughts, “Should I just get up out of bed or push the snooze button seven times??” Back and forth I debated that issue with myself and in the end pushed the snooze button once and unwillingly crawled out of bed. The anxiety did not stop when I woke up either. When I arrived at worked I got out of my car, unlocked the building doors, walked down the darkened hallway to my desk, fell into my chair, took a deep breath and let all my fears go.
What is it about that first day back? After being away for a short period of time or a long period of time; why is there that sense of anxiousness? Am I confusing anxiousness with excitement? Maybe I am excited to return to work, to be back in the relm with my co-workers? Where does this all come from? Where did I learn this? I guess those questions are relatively unimportant other than I have to learn how to change how I feel about going back to places I have been abscent from after a length of time. Maybe it is just me feeling this.