Hi. I haven’t been around in awhile. I was feeling so awesome for so long. When I was feeling good I let go of most of my self care and just did nothing.
I had invested so much in myself not that long ago. I was exercising, eating right, resting when it was necessary, and making me a priority. Stress at my old job had me tossing out myself as a priority and just stopped investing in me. And that all lead up to a tumble into anxiety, panic, and depression.
So getting back on the “me train” has been baby steps forward. Then I was feeling good so I stopped with the baby steps. When I did that I tripped and fell into anxiety and panic. It took me by such surprise that I could not believe it.
I am trying to regain myself and my confidence. Its been a struggle. I want to hide under a rock and hopefully a magical cure will land at my feet. But I know that will not happen.
I am on a work trip. Its 3 days. One day travel, one day meeting, and one day travel. So not too bad. I am about a four hour drive from home.
But I feel like hell. My anxiety is sky high. My IBS is reminding me chill out.
I know I can do this. I have done it before for a lot longer. I have the tools I need to get through this. I have great co-workers in the same hotel as me so I am not alone. Its just getting through it. There is no reason to feel scared. I got this. I don’t have to do a presentation. I don’t have to do much other than sit and smile. And heck, I could leave early with a “migraine.” And thats it. It will be time to go home. Once I get home this will be a fantastic accomplishment for me.
I have been having panic attacks since I was a wee child. So I am an expert at this and know I can get through it all.
This is my time to show my employer that I am committed to this organization. I will learn from the meeting and take away from it to give to others. If that makes sense at all; it does to me.
But what is it that is so awful? I did not have to do any driving. Woot woot. I am not alone. I know darn well I could call on any one of my coworkers to sit with me. I think my biggest fear is I will panic. That is like the ultimate fear. But there is absolutely nothing to panic about. It is like the ultimate vulnerability.
It was very recent that I experienced a re-birth, so to speak. It took a lot of down time to crawl through and sort. There was a ton of pain and sorrow. Anyone looking in at me would have seen a mess and maybe a disaster. At some point I could not see what was trying to emerge. For a moment I believed it was all sadness with no cure. It was a time to learn a new patience and humility. As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in remembrance of where I was and how the strength given to me helped me move forward.
There was no defined moment, no written scripture, and no shining light lifting my eyes to a new start. It was just a slow and soothing movement within myself. I found myself standing steady, readying myself for independence when, I assume, the universe gave me the door to open to my new journey. I opened the door, and the light was blinding but the feeling gave me nothing but sheer sparkle inside. The feeling was amazing, it reminded me that life and new adventures exist.
Here I am, 2 days later. Sitting here with the feelings of old sorrow tempting me to retreat to where dark comfort would be just as soothing. I am pushing through looking for the sparkle that was instilled inside me. It is now that I realize that I am the one that has to make the vow to myself. The vow to look for the “up.” It is me that has been given the sparkle and it is up to me to share it and keep it moving forward. I am sure there will be times when my old friend of sorrow will come around but all it really means is preparation of a shedding of the old readying me for the new.
The term “cosmic kitchen” is a term my friend coined and I am now borrowing.
My cosmic kitchen is run by a Gordon Ramsey type chef. The orders he receives are cooked in magical form.
My friend and I are single and will text each other when our hormones kick in high gear reminding us that nature wants us to find a mate. We have an open forum any emotion is welcome when we have the notion a boyfriend is needed.
This is friend and I were recently communicating via text that “siiiigh i wish i had a boyfriend.” I conveyed to her that I believe that the universe will send someone when the time is right and I should practice patience. This is where we thought about our cosmic kitchen.
I’ve sent my order in to my Gordon Ramsey type chef detailing the ins and outs of what makes me, me! He believes that his creation needs times and to be carefully crafted. In essence I’ve been told to enjoy myself at the kitchen table, taste a few complementary hot from the oven honey buns, and be happy where I am at.
What does your cosmic kitchen look like?
Many of us do not like change. We tend to like to avoid it at all cost. A distruption in our lives causes some anxiety and fear.
But then there are times we feel we are stuck in this huge mud rut. We want out and want change. We desire our enviroments to be stress free. I believe some of us, lack the abilities and tools to deal with being stuck in a rut. We expect change to be instant and not have to wait and deal with this gross feeling of tension.
I believed I would experience change that would occur quickly and bring me the satisfaction I’ve long desired. I learned today that I have to wait and wade around in the mud a bit longer before I might expect change in my life. I have gone through so many mixed emotions in such a short period of time. I do not want to be content with where I am at and yet I have to discover a way to endure and be appreciative of the muck I am in.