There comes a point where we survive the emotional crash. We really do. When it is at it’s peak it feels like it will never end and will only get worse. I have been there many times and each time I am almost positive this is it, this is where my body says it can not handle it anymore. But I have to listen to my body. I have too.
I hear my body tell me its exhausted. It wants to rest and let my brain have little to think about. I have to let the panic attacks roll out of me and brace for their impact.
I feel I am on the way back up the hill. I pushed myself throughout the week on mini outings, testing how far my brain and body would let me go. Each time it sent a clear message that it was enough and it was time to rest.
Last night was the real test, a bigger outing, claustrophobic amounts of people gathering in a small space. I was there to show my love and support to a family that recently adopted me as a long lost sister and aunt to their children. It was their son’s music recital. Everything he does makes me super proud.
In my mind I had my escape planned out if necessary. But my night was filled with laughter and love. And of course a monster bear hug from the star of the show my most excellent nephew. I was worried the whole time that I would break down into bouts of tears because I would not be able to handle the entire 2 hours. I have to say half way through the show my appetite came back to a fury and I thought I could eat the chair I was sitting in. Another good sign that things are getting better.
Today is another big day for me. I am returning home. It is not my house but another place where I feel comfortable, peaceful, and full of joy. All those feelings you have for the home you love. I can smell it already the perfume I will be entangled with when I open the door to go inside.
After that I plan on a serious reward of napping because I am going out for girls night with a bunch of ladies who I never really hang out with in a social setting. Another push forward to healing. We have to do that to heal; push ourselves forward into tasks that feel a bit uncomfortable. It’s a test to see if we need more time for healing or it’s time to resume regular living.
Moral of the story: I put it out into the universe that my one friend who goes through the same thing I do; failed me and broke my heart as I struggled this past week. Selfish maybe? I won’t put too much energy into determining if I am a right or wrong. The universe responded by bringing people into my life this week that circled me with unknowing support.
On a totally different note. I signed up for a barkbox for my big dog. It came yesterday and just like a tv commercial she was almost smiling that the whole entire thing was for her. She didnt know what to play with first, the treats made her eyes sparkle with delight, and her owner thought it was just like Christmas. I would have inserted a picture here of her and her mail but there was no time for a picture when exciting things were to be played with.