Where Are You?

I have been absent from here for awhile. Life has been hectic. I have stumbled and fallen way more than I have had made steps forward. But that is okay, it has helped me re-sort some stuff I have let dust settle on. In time my independence and inner strength will be at full capacity.

But why I am here today is because I have a few questions that have more questions attached to those ones. Is it possible to be cursed? Is it possible to inherit the family trait of living alone for life? Not to marry, not to love, and not to have someone there when you waken in the middle of the night?

There has been someone. Someone who has always been in the background and has some how made their way to the front row of my life. It is complicated. Not easy at all. More often I find myself pushing intruding thoughts out of my head and banishing them from entering again.

I observe how I dance within their mind and it creates interest in my goings on. I try to rationalize it daily. This person likes my friendship, my conversation, my attention. I am their friend and I provide a trustworthy ear and advisory to issues. But in those weak and quiet moments a 5 alarm fire bell rings reminding me THIS IS WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED. I am not sure how much longer I will permit this person front row status. There is a truth that I must usher them to the back and thank them quietly for they have shown me the quality I truly deserve. I am scared for this moment.


I see your name light up my screen, my eyes slightly widen with anticipation of your enlightenment. There is always something, something you must share. Your intelligence is uncanny and never shoves me over there. It is to bring something to me, something I will cherish. I walk in the room and usher myself quickly through masses. My peripheral vision is clicked on. I am scanning for you. I see you and you do not notice my entrance. I sit quietly in the back pretending to doodle as people swoosh past me. I know you are standing; I do not have to look up. I lift my head as to have heard something that will produce a need to assist someone but there is nothing. I know that one gentle movement has caught your eye. You guide yourself to me and sit beside me. You tell me things that make me smile. You tell me things that make me think hard about possibilities. I giggle and I smile at you to let you know I am proud and besotted with your grey matter. Glances are exchanged leisurely and in private. I can hear the clock ticking, time is moving fast, it will not be much longer before you leave again. Again, we are sitting side by side, it is my nature to touch with communication. I realize after my hand has left your arm and wonder if it has crossed a line. You have no reaction, I have a heart beating hard. I quickly wish you farewell in hopes it shows no affection. I am left alone.

Advertisements

Hidden Baggage

My mom and dad have never once in all my years shown me any physical or verbal affection. It simply does not exist. There is no pat on the back welcoming me home. There is no hug of congratulations. There is no tissue handed to me after a meltdown. There are no “I love you’s,” or words of affirmation. Zilch.

As a child growing up in a home like this I did not understand that a child should have parental love. I was frequently a part of my grandparents home where parental love was abundant. So I learned that a loveless home was normal.

I have to add a note here. My parents love me. They bend over backwards for me. They drop everything in a heartbeat if it means doing that. I know what their pasts were like for them and I totally understand why our home has zero mushy moments. But I am craving for that to change. Am I being selfish?

Growing up as a teenager and into a young adult it never dawned on me why boyfriends were all such assholes. I figured at that time guys were all like this and I just put up with it. Those were turbulent times; sometimes literally.

Today I am hidden deep beneath my goose down duvet with my head laying on my tear soaked pillow. As per usual, I like to peel away the layers of why I have my ups and downs and panic attacks. I have come up with a few items of interest for myself.

I am almost certain I am in the early stages of perimenopausal, have some workplace stress, and I am at the end stages of my period. With all these things, I have come to the realization that I am craving love. I want to experience it. I want to know what it feels like. Of course I have friends and family who love me to pieces but there is that other piece that I want to know what it feels like.

What does it feel like for you?