Hidden Baggage

My mom and dad have never once in all my years shown me any physical or verbal affection. It simply does not exist. There is no pat on the back welcoming me home. There is no hug of congratulations. There is no tissue handed to me after a meltdown. There are no “I love you’s,” or words of affirmation. Zilch.

As a child growing up in a home like this I did not understand that a child should have parental love. I was frequently a part of my grandparents home where parental love was abundant. So I learned that a loveless home was normal.

I have to add a note here. My parents love me. They bend over backwards for me. They drop everything in a heartbeat if it means doing that. I know what their pasts were like for them and I totally understand why our home has zero mushy moments. But I am craving for that to change. Am I being selfish?

Growing up as a teenager and into a young adult it never dawned on me why boyfriends were all such assholes. I figured at that time guys were all like this and I just put up with it. Those were turbulent times; sometimes literally.

Today I am hidden deep beneath my goose down duvet with my head laying on my tear soaked pillow. As per usual, I like to peel away the layers of why I have my ups and downs and panic attacks. I have come up with a few items of interest for myself.

I am almost certain I am in the early stages of perimenopausal, have some workplace stress, and I am at the end stages of my period. With all these things, I have come to the realization that I am craving love. I want to experience it. I want to know what it feels like. Of course I have friends and family who love me to pieces but there is that other piece that I want to know what it feels like.

What does it feel like for you?

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Traveling with Anxiety

Hi. I haven’t been around in awhile. I was feeling so awesome for so long. When I was feeling good I let go of most of my self care and just did nothing.

I had invested so much in myself not that long ago. I was exercising, eating right, resting when it was necessary, and making me a priority. Stress at my old job had me tossing out myself as a priority and just stopped investing in me. And that all lead up to a tumble into anxiety, panic, and depression.

So getting back on the “me train” has been baby steps forward. Then I was feeling good so I stopped with the baby steps. When I did that I tripped and fell into anxiety and panic. It took me by such surprise that I could not believe it.

Fast Forward.

I am trying to regain myself and my confidence. Its been a struggle. I want to hide under a rock and hopefully a magical cure will land at my feet. But I know that will not happen.

I am on a work trip. Its 3 days. One day travel, one day meeting, and one day travel. So not too bad. I am about a four hour drive from home.

But I feel like hell. My anxiety is sky high. My IBS is reminding me chill out.

I know I can do this. I have done it before for a lot longer. I have the tools I need to get through this. I have great co-workers in the same hotel as me so I am not alone. Its just getting through it. There is no reason to feel scared. I got this. I don’t have to do a presentation. I don’t have to do much other than sit and smile. And heck, I could leave early with a “migraine.” And thats it. It will be time to go home. Once I get home this will be a fantastic accomplishment for me.

I have been having panic attacks since I was a wee child. So I am an expert at this and know I can get through it all.

This is my time to show my employer that I am committed to this organization. I will learn from the meeting and take away from it to give to others. If that makes sense at all; it does to me.

But what is it that is so awful? I did not have to do any driving. Woot woot. I am not alone. I know darn well I could call on any one of my coworkers to sit with me. I think my biggest fear is I will panic. That is like the ultimate fear. But there is absolutely nothing to panic about. It is like the ultimate vulnerability.

Grey Area

I am by no means an expert on relationships or basic human needs. But for me it seems that it is simple logic for a human being to feel and love another human being. Isn’t that basic human nature? 
I am overlooking two people who are legally married to one another and together they have one child. The history of these two people is that they both grew up in loveless and/or parentless homes. It makes me wonder if their scars is what attracted them to each other. Neither of them express love to one another; they simple co-exist; as an obsever would assume.  

The child of these two people now bares the scars of their parents. The child has grown up in a home with no expressed love or affection. The nuturing of this child is lost on either parent. 

This is what baffles me. How do human beings survive without the love of the parents? Is it the longing for love keep them all in existence? How does the child find love for themself? How does the child go from believing they are unloveable to worth loving? 

Artist : Benjamin Chee Chee