Today’s post was inspired by Uncontrollably ME’s post #anxietylife. I was hidden beneath my duvet hoping that if my eyes open my roller coaster ride would be over. I figure why not distract myself with the ever so faithful iPhone and its many mind distracting apps and tons of emails inviting me to shop at an unbelievable sale of a lifetime. It was while I was scrolling through the emails that I stumbled upon her post. It gave me the inspiration to put the words out there that hey I feel incredibly horrible.
I instinctively know or can sense when the crash is coming. I pretend not to know it; like refusing to look it in the eye. But it is coming. The panic attacks are small and happen every few days. These ones are manageable. They eventually increase in strength and find myself running home to where I believe I am the most safe and comfortable.
My doctor has me on the path of trying everything under the sun that is natural. She is not wanting to pursue the path of medication. I am taking magnesium, gaba, omega-3, and (insert exaggeration) 20 other natural products. I am being open to trying them. I found for myself that the magnesium and gaba work well for me.
My back has nerve pain, adrenaline runs wild through my arms and chest, my neck muscles tighten, and I breathe patterned breathing. The natural products are no longer working and I am relying on Ativan to make it through the day. I feel like I am going to crash and burn soon. I go see my doctor and tell her nothing is working and my nerves are bad. She recommends a couple more natural products. 4 days later I can hardly keep it together, I am crying and having severe panic attacks. I actually have one that sends me to the emergency room; even though I know there is nothing there they can do but tell me to take the Ativan and let it work. They are right it works but it is short lived.
I return to my doctor four days later since I last saw her and tell her I am at the end of my rope and I can no longer keep pretending the natural vitamin and minerals are working. She prescribes a stronger sedative and tells me to come see her every day if I have too. She says that she thinks its time to have my antidepressant assessed by a psychiatrist. I am relieved because I have calculated that I have been having way too many ups and downs in the past year.
I have been using the stronger sedative as prescribed and its slowly helping me. I need to get back on my feet. I want to feel life again. I want to know what it is like to laugh and have fun.
If you have read the blog post by Uncontrollably ME; that is exactly what I go through and have been going through for way too long lately. She also reminded me that I have that one friend that goes through the exact same thing as me and I can always count on her to check in on me and talk it out. The unfortunate thing is she has been off the radar for a few months now; it’s been horribly hard to get a hold of her when I need that chat to know we get through this, we do live, it does pass. I find that there are very few people that I can tell what it is I go through because they simply do not understand because it has never touched their life and it becomes difficult to know how far you can let them in at times like this. I wish there was a private group text that anyone could reach out and be reassured by someone who lives this and knows the right thing to say.
I decided to take a week off work because I know I need the rest. My brain needs the rest. My brain also needs lots of water to heal. I am not sure if I have anytime off left for me to be off this long but I had to take it by the balls and say this time is for me and I need to recoup. Small projects, contacting my EAP program, naps, soft read books, and very supportive family is what is getting me by day by day.
I do worry about what next week will bring. Will I be strong enough to return to work? In the near future I am required to get on a plane and go work 14 hrs away; will I be able to do it? Will my brain be able to handle it all? These are all thoughts that have to be shelved in order to heal now.