I am in my spot where I find the most comfort when I need it. Its here I feel I can hide if I need too, feel safe if I need it, and know it won’t betray me. I am not a person who has ever liked wearing a housecoat. I tried many times but it was just never for me; until now. I found a slice of heaven.
I have had a very trying day. It was the kind of day where you come home and you are quiet and too wiped out to talk about it. To make matters worse I could not even cook myself a hot meal and that sent me into a sour mood. I snacked on a pepperoni stick and cheese. Then I crashed for three hours and I woke up feeling a world of doom.
I let myself weep and my thoughts were that I was crashing again. I had to understand that I was not crashing but my body and soul were telling me that they needed some TLC. It was a reminder that I forgot to take care of myself today.
That is my goal that I am focusing on right now. Taking care of myself. If I do not do it, who will?
There comes a point where we survive the emotional crash. We really do. When it is at it’s peak it feels like it will never end and will only get worse. I have been there many times and each time I am almost positive this is it, this is where my body says it can not handle it anymore. But I have to listen to my body. I have too.
I hear my body tell me its exhausted. It wants to rest and let my brain have little to think about. I have to let the panic attacks roll out of me and brace for their impact.
I feel I am on the way back up the hill. I pushed myself throughout the week on mini outings, testing how far my brain and body would let me go. Each time it sent a clear message that it was enough and it was time to rest.
Last night was the real test, a bigger outing, claustrophobic amounts of people gathering in a small space. I was there to show my love and support to a family that recently adopted me as a long lost sister and aunt to their children. It was their son’s music recital. Everything he does makes me super proud.
In my mind I had my escape planned out if necessary. But my night was filled with laughter and love. And of course a monster bear hug from the star of the show my most excellent nephew. I was worried the whole time that I would break down into bouts of tears because I would not be able to handle the entire 2 hours. I have to say half way through the show my appetite came back to a fury and I thought I could eat the chair I was sitting in. Another good sign that things are getting better.
Today is another big day for me. I am returning home. It is not my house but another place where I feel comfortable, peaceful, and full of joy. All those feelings you have for the home you love. I can smell it already the perfume I will be entangled with when I open the door to go inside.
After that I plan on a serious reward of napping because I am going out for girls night with a bunch of ladies who I never really hang out with in a social setting. Another push forward to healing. We have to do that to heal; push ourselves forward into tasks that feel a bit uncomfortable. It’s a test to see if we need more time for healing or it’s time to resume regular living.
Moral of the story: I put it out into the universe that my one friend who goes through the same thing I do; failed me and broke my heart as I struggled this past week. Selfish maybe? I won’t put too much energy into determining if I am a right or wrong. The universe responded by bringing people into my life this week that circled me with unknowing support.
On a totally different note. I signed up for a barkbox for my big dog. It came yesterday and just like a tv commercial she was almost smiling that the whole entire thing was for her. She didnt know what to play with first, the treats made her eyes sparkle with delight, and her owner thought it was just like Christmas. I would have inserted a picture here of her and her mail but there was no time for a picture when exciting things were to be played with.
Today’s post was inspired by Uncontrollably ME’s post #anxietylife. I was hidden beneath my duvet hoping that if my eyes open my roller coaster ride would be over. I figure why not distract myself with the ever so faithful iPhone and its many mind distracting apps and tons of emails inviting me to shop at an unbelievable sale of a lifetime. It was while I was scrolling through the emails that I stumbled upon her post. It gave me the inspiration to put the words out there that hey I feel incredibly horrible.
I instinctively know or can sense when the crash is coming. I pretend not to know it; like refusing to look it in the eye. But it is coming. The panic attacks are small and happen every few days. These ones are manageable. They eventually increase in strength and find myself running home to where I believe I am the most safe and comfortable.
My doctor has me on the path of trying everything under the sun that is natural. She is not wanting to pursue the path of medication. I am taking magnesium, gaba, omega-3, and (insert exaggeration) 20 other natural products. I am being open to trying them. I found for myself that the magnesium and gaba work well for me.
My back has nerve pain, adrenaline runs wild through my arms and chest, my neck muscles tighten, and I breathe patterned breathing. The natural products are no longer working and I am relying on Ativan to make it through the day. I feel like I am going to crash and burn soon. I go see my doctor and tell her nothing is working and my nerves are bad. She recommends a couple more natural products. 4 days later I can hardly keep it together, I am crying and having severe panic attacks. I actually have one that sends me to the emergency room; even though I know there is nothing there they can do but tell me to take the Ativan and let it work. They are right it works but it is short lived.
I return to my doctor four days later since I last saw her and tell her I am at the end of my rope and I can no longer keep pretending the natural vitamin and minerals are working. She prescribes a stronger sedative and tells me to come see her every day if I have too. She says that she thinks its time to have my antidepressant assessed by a psychiatrist. I am relieved because I have calculated that I have been having way too many ups and downs in the past year.
I have been using the stronger sedative as prescribed and its slowly helping me. I need to get back on my feet. I want to feel life again. I want to know what it is like to laugh and have fun.
If you have read the blog post by Uncontrollably ME; that is exactly what I go through and have been going through for way too long lately. She also reminded me that I have that one friend that goes through the exact same thing as me and I can always count on her to check in on me and talk it out. The unfortunate thing is she has been off the radar for a few months now; it’s been horribly hard to get a hold of her when I need that chat to know we get through this, we do live, it does pass. I find that there are very few people that I can tell what it is I go through because they simply do not understand because it has never touched their life and it becomes difficult to know how far you can let them in at times like this. I wish there was a private group text that anyone could reach out and be reassured by someone who lives this and knows the right thing to say.
I decided to take a week off work because I know I need the rest. My brain needs the rest. My brain also needs lots of water to heal. I am not sure if I have anytime off left for me to be off this long but I had to take it by the balls and say this time is for me and I need to recoup. Small projects, contacting my EAP program, naps, soft read books, and very supportive family is what is getting me by day by day.
I do worry about what next week will bring. Will I be strong enough to return to work? In the near future I am required to get on a plane and go work 14 hrs away; will I be able to do it? Will my brain be able to handle it all? These are all thoughts that have to be shelved in order to heal now.