WTF!!!! 

I am so mad!   Well kind of, maybe not really.   The truth is I am very disappointed. I was seemingly having a great day.   The sun is shining, the temperature outside is scorching hot, and I got to work from home.    To me those facts alone are the foundation for me to smile all day long.   My boss doesn’t need to know that while answering emails and sorting through paperwork that it all happened while I was tending to my herb garden.   

I think I was in the direct sun for too long.   When I went inside my home I sat under the breeze of my fan and not long later felt a bit too cool.  Naturally, I grabbed for a blanket and covered my legs and then thought I would recline on the couch while writing an email.   Yup, I fell asleep.   Sound asleep I was until I snored so loud I woke up and figured that did not sound cute at all.   I dozed back into sleep.    I am not sure for how long but I eventually woke up because my bladder was pounding at me for relief.   I shot up like I was going to win a marathon and before I could think, I was in full panic attack mode.   HUH?!  Wait, what? I thought I had to pee? As much as my bladder needed relief, I awoken into a panic attack as well.  

No!  This was not happening.    I kept thinking this really was not going to happen right now.   Too late.   My mind was spinning with thoughts and my body was reacting to find the quickest and safest way to flee.  Part of my brain was already crying, “no no no no no panic attack right now.”   There was nothing I could do to calm myself, it was like my panic attack pre-stages occurred while I was sleeping and there was no way to calm down on my own steam.

Panic attack pre-stages – my own personal lingo for what I describe as the build up to full blown panic attack.  It is in this pre-stage I have anxiety and I am doing self talk with myself to calm down, that I am safe, and I will be okay.   In a pre-stage I can almost deter a panic attack if I start a very focused orientated household chore.   Yes, even if it is at 3:00 a.m. 

I packed my “to-go” bag and stood outside my home and caught my breath.    I continued my numbered breathing pattern as I got myself to what I labelled as my safe spot; the hospital parking lot.   I made myself comfortable as possible and telephoned my mom for guided and grounding conversation.   It took 10 minutes of that style of talking and I was through the brunt of my panic attack.   I hung up the phone with my mom and reassured her if the panic came back I would just go in the hospital.   Here I am an hour later my panic attack is over.   I usually feel depressed and exhausted but I feel disappointed that it happened at all.   Maybe I shouldn’t look at this as a negative experience.    I have to go and reflect on this on how there is some positive light to this.    I may not come up with anything but I have to try.  

To-Go Bag – contains items that bring me comfort and ground me.   In it I carry a bottle of pickling spices (the smell reminds me of my Grandmother who was my rock during my most horrific moments in life), my super cozy blanket, lots of water, phone charger and cord, dvd of the Golden Girls, sweet snacks and carb loaded, and other little items that keep my mind busy, calm, and make me laugh.   Much like a bag a woman would have ready and packed for when she is set to go to the hospital to give birth. 

this is how stylish i wish me and bag look

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