Grey Area

I am by no means an expert on relationships or basic human needs. But for me it seems that it is simple logic for a human being to feel and love another human being. Isn’t that basic human nature? 
I am overlooking two people who are legally married to one another and together they have one child. The history of these two people is that they both grew up in loveless and/or parentless homes. It makes me wonder if their scars is what attracted them to each other. Neither of them express love to one another; they simple co-exist; as an obsever would assume.  

The child of these two people now bares the scars of their parents. The child has grown up in a home with no expressed love or affection. The nuturing of this child is lost on either parent. 

This is what baffles me. How do human beings survive without the love of the parents? Is it the longing for love keep them all in existence? How does the child find love for themself? How does the child go from believing they are unloveable to worth loving? 

Artist : Benjamin Chee Chee 

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Recovery

I do not normally write another post so quickly.   But I felt compelled to release my thoughts on recovery from panic. 

Panic attacks take a lot of energy from me to the point that I have a rest.   I rested after this morning’s ordeal and decided to make the drive through the rolling green countryside to my parents house.   As soon as I saw their faces I felt instantly connected.    Connected to their peace and quiet.   They were heading out to a community dinner; I declined the offer to attend but chauffered them to their destination.    I dropped them off and decided to take their two dogs to a local quiet lake location.    I arrived at the small lake to find no one there.   I rolled up my pant legs gave thanks for this beautiful location, clean water, and lush habitat.   I strolled into the icy clear water up to my knees, bent over and splashed to cold lake water on my face several times.   This is where my peace is at.    This is where I am at.   
 

Right now.  I am Having a Panic Attack

Real Time 

I am going to give this a whirl.   I am having a panic attack right now.   I am experiencing a tremendous amount of fear.  I am remembering to breathe, in and out, in and out; controlled.    I feel like the whole world can hear me breathing.  I am panicked.    I want to run out of my house and find safety.    I am trying to tell myself that I am safe in my house and that I will be okay.    Of course my bladder and bowel are now in overdrive and i want them to know I dont have the time to sit and let them relieve themselves.    Does bladder and bowel not realize I need to find safety?!   I give in; breathing in and out; letting my body give some relief.    I am on my couch; play solitare! I cant even think to what moves to make to win a game.    I feel like the panic is subsiding.    I take that moment and take an even bigger breath.   Wow it will end.   I get cozy under the blanket thinking I should relax.    Oh no.   My legs and arms feel like they are getting electric shocks.   Its coming again.   Breathe.   Nope this one is going to be a dozey.   And like that I am in a total state of fear; I am not safe.   I must get out of my house.   I am standing on my doorstep and the wind is strong.   Ground myself, feel the wind, feel how cool it is on my face.   I tell myself I am okay and I know how to keep myself safe.  I do.   I am a smart person, I know I can keep myself safe.   I go back inside.     I keep up my breathing; in and out.   I am sitting on the couch again and as soon as I sit I am in a state of fear once more.   That’s it I am leaving my house!  I am going to go where I am safe.   I am going to drive myself to my parents house.   My safety and security is there with them.   I get in my car; controlled breathing.  I am sure the other drivers can hear my breathing.   I play a grounding game with myself; name five red things, name five blue things and on and on with different colours.   Its helping.   I am okay.   It hits me again, I will not make the 30 minute drive to my parents; I am feeling fear again.    That’s it am going to the hospital.   I have no traffic, the drive is effortless.   I park in the hospital parking lot; I know there isn’t much they can do for me here.  But I feel better knowing there is safety in here for me.  I challenge myself to stay in the car.   Nope my bladder and bowels need relief again.   I as I am walking into the hospital I feel a small amount of fear and a lot of shame.   My bladder and bowels thank me.   I go back to my car and I am having what I call small waves of fear rolling in and out of me.   I do the “call of shame.”   I dial my mom.   She answers and all I can do is take a deep breath and she immediately knows its me and I am having a panic attack.  She instantly says “you are going to be okay..”  I in turn start crying.   She knows what she has to do is to distract me and she does, I answer her robotically and eventually in 15 minutes of distraction I can hold a bland conversation with her.   It feels like we have made it through the rough part but then her mini yorkie and seven month old husky pup are barking like the house is under seige and they must alert the world.   My mom apologizes for the dogs and curses them for breaking my calm breakthrough.    My bladder and bowel need relief.    I tell my mom I have to go in the hosiptal and use the washroom and I will call her back.     After returning from the washroom and opening my car door to once again seek refuge behind my tinted car windows; I see a shiny unopened can of club soda.   The can is so cold from the overnight temperatures.   This is probably one of the best things of my day.   Why?  Because my panic attack gives me dry mouth; I call it desert mouth because it’s so unaturally dry.   I call my mom back so she can feel relief that I am still okay.   I tell her I am feeling like “its” passing and I will call her in an hour.   She knows this does mean I will be okay.   I am still sitting in my car at the hospital,  i feel okay, i feel secure, i feel safe.   I think my panic attack is over.   Time check – 2.25 hrs of panic.    My breathing is relaxed and I feel so good drinking the cold club soda.  

The Truth

Why did this panic attack happen?   A series of events led up to this.    About four days ago I was talking with a friend on the street when my ex boyfriend who was a passenger in a vehicle happen to slow down near me.   He and I spotted each other and he looked at me and laughed.   My ex was emotionally and physically violent with me when we were dating.  I had some great friends save my life and hid me for a few months until I could relocate to another town.  It took years and years of therapy to have me in a much better place.  

So his laughing at me played on my mind a lot.   I was angry.   I had a variety of emotions.   I still need to talk them out with someone.  

Last night I wanted to watch the season finale of, “Bloodline.”   But I could hardly get through most of it.   Lots of violent innuendo and fear based storylines.   It was making me feel unsafe.    I turned it off and realized its just  not the right time for me to see this show end.  

After I turned Bloodline off, I turned on the Sex and The City movie for some easy storylines.    I was feeling a bit more relaxed.   Then it happened.   I swore I heard a gun shot.    And then it happened again and again.   I realized the USA was celebrating Memorial Day with some fireworks.    Lots of time would pass between each round of fireworks or firecrackers.    But I recognized my body was getting scared because sometimes those sounds reminded me of someone knocking on my door.    For instance when my ex would knock on my bedroom window at 3 am because he wanted to make sure I was alone or he needed to pass out; either of which came with violent expletives.   

So there I have it.   An accumulation of events over days triggering me into a state of fear.    

I feel like I can drive back to my home now because it is safe.    And I really am okay. 


My living room looks just as cozy as this one.    My absolute heaven when I need self care.