A Vow of Up

It was very recent that I experienced a re-birth, so to speak.   It took a lot of down time to crawl through and sort.   There was a ton of pain and sorrow.  Anyone looking in at me would have seen a mess and maybe a disaster.  At some point I could not see what was trying to emerge.  For a moment I believed it was all sadness with no cure.  It was a time to learn a new patience and humility.   As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in remembrance of where I was and how the strength given to me helped me move forward.  

There was no defined moment, no written scripture, and no shining light lifting my eyes to a new start.   It was just a slow and soothing movement within myself.   I found myself standing steady, readying myself for independence  when, I assume, the universe gave me the door to open to my new journey.   I opened the door, and the light was blinding but the feeling gave me nothing but sheer sparkle inside.   The feeling was amazing, it reminded me that life and new adventures exist.  

Here I am, 2 days later.  Sitting here with the feelings of old sorrow tempting me to retreat to where dark comfort would be just as soothing.   I am pushing through looking for the sparkle that was instilled inside me.   It is now that I realize that I am the one that has to make the vow to myself. The vow to look for the “up.”    It is me that has been given the sparkle and it is up to me to share it and keep it moving forward.  I am sure there will be times when my old friend of sorrow will come around but all it really means is preparation of a shedding of the old readying me for the new.
  

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Noctornal Fear 

Nightmare.

I’ve had bad dreams since I was a kid, I even labelled some nightmares. I’ve dreamt of bears chasing me, my teeth falling out, not having the ability to scream when it was needed most.   

Last night was a first for me. I had a bad nightmare. It still haunts me 12+ hrs later. It was the kind of nightmare that triggered a panic attack. I was very scared to fall back asleep hours later. I am physically drained and weak. My nightmare included my loved ones and I think that’s what upset me the most.   

I’ve googled everything I can on nightmares and noctornal panic attacks. Its provided minimal relief. My mom, her advice is to rest and let myself heal and know it wasnt real. I love my mom; she is better than any googled answer.   
I am still crying over this nightmare. It scared the life right out of me. I know that very soon I have to distract myself and stop giving it power. This cannot “own” me.