Its the kind of day where no matter how many mantras you chant about how you are going to have a bitchin good day, it just doesn’t work. It is the kind of day where I do take the time to break from the monotonous cycle to remember there are bright moments in a shitty day. It feels like I am in a tug of war between a happy sunny mood and shitty ass mood and I am the rope.
But I will say this when I did my latest cleanse (no not bodily) I get a sense that I have made a huge step forward to finding the next chapter. No more strings holding me down, no more obligations to please, no stopping me now.
I was off for a few days from work because I was not feeling well. After day four of being away from my job I felt well enough to return to work. As soon as that thought came into my head that I was going to return to work, I battled anxiety. WTF. Why am I so anxious? I had a hard time falling asleep and when I did fall asleep I would wake up from time to time. Of course without fail, I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm clock rang. My mind raced with thoughts, “Should I just get up out of bed or push the snooze button seven times??” Back and forth I debated that issue with myself and in the end pushed the snooze button once and unwillingly crawled out of bed. The anxiety did not stop when I woke up either. When I arrived at worked I got out of my car, unlocked the building doors, walked down the darkened hallway to my desk, fell into my chair, took a deep breath and let all my fears go.
What is it about that first day back? After being away for a short period of time or a long period of time; why is there that sense of anxiousness? Am I confusing anxiousness with excitement? Maybe I am excited to return to work, to be back in the relm with my co-workers? Where does this all come from? Where did I learn this? I guess those questions are relatively unimportant other than I have to learn how to change how I feel about going back to places I have been abscent from after a length of time. Maybe it is just me feeling this.